Best English Jokes With Images
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I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park talking and laughing loudly.
One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some serious issue or incident happened.
So I went to a lady and asked, “Why everybody is silent today?”
She replied, “All are present today…”
It took me few minutes to understand this.
A Spiritual Thought…. Read carefully
Good day is not created by God…..Nor it is designed by our parents……Not even prepared by us…….
Nature too does not give us a good day………
Then Who gives us…?
Is it our friends …..?
or our Family….?
Or is it ourself….?
Good Day is manufactured only by Britannia biscuit company.
Don’t be serious all the time. ?
ting ting tidiiinnnngggg……..! ?
When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks, “Dear, do you have any women in your life other than me”?
Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart in control, Don’t panic. It’s just your biometric test.??
What is chai for an Indian?
• Sleepy? Have tea.
• Headache? Have tea.
• Tired? Have tea.
• Mood off? Have tea.
• Feeling cold? Have tea.
• Want a Samosa? Must have tea.
• Late night study? Have tea.
• Party after tuitions? With tea.
• Not well? Have adrakh wali tea .
• Zero figure? Have green tea.
• Pocket money? Make tea for your father.
• Guests? Make tea.
• Waiting for train? Have tea.
• Watching TV? Have tea.
⭐ last but not the least – want to become PM….. make TEA ?
Tea is like opium for Indians. It’s like “if you want success then have tea”.
A drink decreases 5 minutes of life…
A smile increases 10 minutes of life…
Moral – Ek hasta hua sharabi kabhi nahi mar sakta…!!
A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said
” you look cute.. I like you.”….
The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said
“My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life.”..
He then placed a piece of paper on her hand and said
” I have written some words of wisdom and religious verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep.”
And then he walked away.
The girl went back to her hostel in shame and guilt..
before she slept she opened up the paper and read thus:
“Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Any way, this is my number.
Call me anytime. ………..
By the way, I like you too!”
? ? ? Men are always Men !!!!!!!!!!!!!???
Girl : (to god) I don’t want to marry. I am educated, independent and self sufficient and don’t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What to do?
God replied : You are my finest creation and undoubtedly will achieve many great things. But some things, inevitably, will not go the way you want. Worst, some things will fail. Whom will you blame? Yourself? No! You need a husband!
Just One Kiss, Please..
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door,
the guy started feeling a little in the mood.
With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall
and smiling, he said to her “Honey, would you give me a kiss?”
Horrified, she replied, “Are you mad? My parents will see us “Oh come on!
Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” He asked grinning at her.
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on!
There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”.
“No way, it’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”.
“No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”.
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“No, no. I just can’t” “I’m begging you … ”
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and
The girl’s elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dis-leveled,
And in a sleepy voice she said,
“Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it.
Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it,
but for God’s sake and all of ours..
TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ……!
Joke of the day
Situation – In a room light goes off…people open their mobile torch by their normal handsets…
Guy with an Iphone × – “Please some1 show light on my face so tht I can unlock my phone”
Who is better….?
Wife or sister
Heart touching award winning answer:
Don’t forget to read Playing On Roof Husband Wife Jokes
Good mental exercise. Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hillary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Dawood Ibrahim
7. Charles Sobraj
8. Vijay Mallya
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5?
You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope!
As Amitabh Bachhan is Brand Ambassador of Gujarat he was with Narendra Modi to welcome Japanese PM at Ahmedabad Airport..
Modi introducing Big B to Mr. Shinzo Abe and asked do you know him???
Mr. Shinzo: Yes I know him, he is Hira Thakur of Suryavansham
Define Surround Sound System?
Award winning answer-
Wife in the front seat of the car, her mother and sister in the back seat !!
After joining the Bank, under tremendous pressure from my family to get married, I went to meet this girl under the arranged marriage system.
It was my first such experience of meeting a girl in such conditions. And the girl rejected me outright on my face. I of course moved on and got married to another girl a year later.
After 10 years, I saw the same beautiful lady at a traffic signal with her husband in a brand new Audi.
And I was trying to kickstart my Activa scooter because the battery start was not working.
She looked out of the car and briefly looked at me but without any hint of recognition, moves her eyes away!
At that moment, after driving a two wheeler for over 15 years, first time in my life I realized the value of a helmet ???
So always wear a helmet in your own safety!
Rahul: Why is your eye swollen…?
Amit: It was my wife’s birthday yesterday and I bought her a cake.
Rahul: But how did your eye get swollen?
Amit: Her name is Tapasya… but that Cake shop idiot wrote
“Happy Birthday Samasya”
Dedicated to all 40+ Male
A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym,
‘ I want to Impress my wife,
which Machine should I use?’
The Trainer replied,
‘ Outside the Gym, there is an ATM,
Try that ‘……..???
Please do not send me messages related to independence.
I am married…
It hurts. ??☹☹☹
What is Object oriented programming:
Father – Son, go and get Red Label
Son – 750ml or 1 ltr??
Mother – Son, go and get Red Label
Son – 500gms or 1 kg??!!???
Girl- why are you starting
Boy- there’s an attracting force.
Girl – which force?
The Growth Story
Me: Can you please grow?
Salary: Don’t even dream..!!!
Stomach: Bhai tere liye kuch bhi.
Parsi Bawa hunts a DEER, cooks it & serves it for dinner…. ??
He doesn”t tell his kids what it is and asks them to guess.???
Kids aren’t able to guess so he gives them a Clue:
“It’s what your Mom calls me sometimes…”??
Youngest Son shouts…
” Don’t eat that!!
Ever since Robert was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night.
So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him “I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there’s somebody under it.
I think I’m going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year”, said the psychiatrist.
“Come, talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
‘$200 per visit,’ replied
‘I’ll think of it and if needed I will come back to you,’
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.
‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.
‘Well, $200 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A Indian friend of mine cured me for the price of one plate biryani and a bottle of coke.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV”.
‘Is that so!’ with a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did the friend cure you?’
He told me to
“Sell the bed and sleep on a Mattress on the floor.”
TO HELL WITH THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS..
GO TALK TO YOUR friend.
There is always an INDIAN way to solve a difficult problem…
A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one friday evening.
She said: “I’m feeling so lonely that I can’t stand it. I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?”
“Yes!” he replied, enthusiastically.
She said: “Wonderful. Then please take care of my kids.”
Read all offer documents carefully before accepting!
All free items come with terms and conditions…
Have a great day…
Girlfriend said she wanted “iPhoneX” for her birthday….
Now she is “eX girlfriend”
Whatever u sow comes back 10 times…it’s not karma
HR – There is a 2 years gap on your CV!
Candidate – I was in jail
HR – Why?
Candidate:- I killed the guy who told me : “we’ll call you back”
HR :- Welcome on board, you have the Job
Height of internet addiction
At a funeral in church
A visitor: What’s the WiFi password here?
Priest: respect the dead
Visitor: all small letters? ???
If U advise them, they think U r dominating;?
If U don’t, U r not doing anything!?
If they call,they r missing U;?
If U call,U r disturbing them!?
If they ask U anything,its their right;?
If U ask them,U r interfering!?
If they care,they luv U;❤
If U care,U r possessive?
So difficult….hats ?off to all women who handle them every day?!!!!!!?
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up ?
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? ✈
A: Who cares??? Just throw them??
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!! ? ?
Q: What’s the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ??
A: Dont know, havnt seen either ?
Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business?
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? ?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving ??
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift? ?
A: Exchange him!! ?
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract! ??
I decided to travel to US. At The Embassy For Visa Interview, this is what happened
Officer: Where to in the US?
Me: San Jose
Officer: It’s pronounced as San Hosey. J is pronounced as H in the US.
Me: Oh, okay!
Officer: So how long do you plan to be in the US ?
Me: from Hanuary to Hune or Huly
An old man was lying on his deathbed.
With only hours to live, he suddenly smelt chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen.
Driven on by his favourite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man’s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies.
With his last bit of energy, mustering everything he had left, he reached for a cookie only to get his hand slapped hard.
‘No,’ the wife snapped,
‘these are for the funeral!’
Don’t die by laugh…..
The Students of MBBS were attending their 1st Biochemistry Class. They all gathered around the Lab table with a Urine sample.
The Professor dip His Finger in urine & tasted it in his own mouth.
Then he asked the Students to do the same.
The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in urine sample & tasted it….
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them & said: The most important Quality is ‘Observation’. I dipped my MIDDLE Finger but tasted the INDEX Finger.
Today you just Learnt, “How to Pay Attention”.
In New York, two beggars were sitting side by side, one with “OM” sign and the other with “CROSS” sign.
People passing that area were giving dirty ? look to the beggar carrying the OM sign but giving a dollar to the one carrying the CROSS sign.
This was going on, when a father of a church was passing by and noticed this. He came to beggar who was carrying the OM sign and told him that you are in a country, where people follow Christianity. You being a Hindu will hardly get any alms. Just to make you feel jealous and frustrated people are giving dollars to your counterpart.
After the Father left, the beggar carrying the OM sign said the following in Gujarati to his counterpart:-
“Yes Mansukh Bhai”
Now this Father will teach us how to do business!!!!
MOMS ARE MOMS……
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a temple !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other She ( Daughter-in-law) always asks my son : – “If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!”
A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: ” now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
“I don’t have to get down in the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”
Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump in the water, and have to save one of us”
Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know how to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged
Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?
(This is called “Positive Thinking” ??)
Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.
Doc :- How come???
Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet… ?
(Now this is called “Positive Attitude” ?)
A Man wrote to the bank. “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’.
I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank”.
(This is self confidence in its peak ??)
This one is classic !!
A cockroach’s last words to a man who wanted to kill it : “Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You’re just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!” ???
Rest Only when they die !
Wife : I think….
Husband : …Exactly !!!
Wife : But I haven’t said anything yet !!!
Husband : Doesn’t matter. You’re RIGHT….!
Happy International Peace Day
Girl : Dad…I’m in love…
Its love on 2nd sight!!☺
Dad : What’s love on 2nd sight??!?
Girl : When I saw him 1st, he was buying Manikchand Gutka…
When I saw him again…he was spitting out of his Audi?
Wife takes very ill husband to a Doctor.
Doctor advices to wife :
– Give him healthy breakfast daily
– Be pleasant & in good mood
– Cook tasty dinner
– Don’t discuss your problems with him
– Stop watching tv shows & facebook n whats app
– Don’t demand new jewels
If u can do this for one year, Ur husband will be ok.
On the way to home, husband asks wife :
What did Doctor say ?
Wife : Bachna mushkil hai..!!
Two Children Were Waiting In The Doctor’s Waiting Room.
The Little Girl Started Crying.Little Boy Asked Her: “Why Are You Crying?”
The Girl Said: “I’m Here For Blood Test And The Doctor Is Going To Cut My Finger”
The Little Boy Too Started Crying.
Girl: “Now Why Are You Crying?”
Boy: “I’m Here For The Urine Test“
Laughter is the fireworks of the soul. We are sure you like all above jokes.
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